Stories and Insights on the Blog

The weight that slowly piles up. You are not outwardly falling apart. No one would say that you are…You are still showing up, still functioning, still doing what needs to be done. From the outside nothing looks wrong. But internally, the pressure is building. Quietly. At first without you noticing. Maybe there is a moment you feel it, you recognize the pressure and you push it aside. There’s no time for that. And you keep going, adding one more thing. The cost of carrying ev

On what happens to a woman when the thing she built her life around changes shape. Shortly after college I wanted an adventure, and to move out of my home state. I joined the Air Force. But that’s not what this post is about. It’s about what happens when a role, or position, or title is what we hang our identify on. I was twenty-something when I left the Air Force. I had an identity there. A rank. A purpose. But I also left as a wife and a new mom. I had a very clear answer t

Understanding the Easygoing Persona Or did you just learn that your needs were easier to let go of? There was a time in my life when I took pride in being easygoing. I would boast about my "long fuse" and how rarely I got angry. But, oh boy, when I finally did—watch out! It was not pretty. What I didn't realize back then was that my easygoing nature was really a mask. I was trying hard not to make waves or ruffle feathers. I wanted to avoid being a burden. In doing so, I focu

On the quiet dread of reaching for yourself and finding nothing there. Maybe you can picture your children's futures with ease. You know what your partner is hoping for, what your parents need as they age, what everyone around you is moving toward. You have spent years holding the shape of other people's lives in your mind, tending them carefully, making sure nothing gets missed. But when you turn that same attention toward yourself, when you try to picture what you want you

On why understanding your patterns hasn't been quite enough Maybe you have been reading this series and recognizing yourself in it. Maybe it was the board game story. The triggers. The people pleasing. The inability to rest without checking everything, and then some, off your To Do List. The question about worth. Maybe one post stopped you and you read it twice. Maybe you sent it to someone. Maybe you sat with it for a few days and felt something shift, just slightly, in ho

On performing your worth, and the woman underneath who is learning she no longer has to. I want you to sit with a question for a moment. Not answer it. Just sit with it. If no one needs anything from you, do you feel you have worth? Who are you if you aren’t filling one of the many roles, as a mother, a partner, a daughter, a colleague, a friend. You may not believe this yet. But stay with me. You, just you, on your own, with no role to play and no one to take care of and n

On losing yourself, finding your own mind, and what it means to finally think for yourself My son is in college now and it has got me thinking back to that time in my own life. I remember when I got to college, I was so excited for the freedom, the independence I finally had. And then realize I had no idea what I was doing, or who I was. I was constantly watching and listening to my friends, what were they doing? Thinking? Planning? I had no idea what I actually thought abo

On recognizing someone else’s inner child, and why rescuing them is not your job You say no to something. Or you set a limit, or a boundary. Or you simply need something different than what he was expecting. And he goes quiet. Not just quiet. That particular quiet. The one with weight behind it. The kind that fills a room and makes you feel like you did something wrong. Underneath the anxiety starting to rise, a small part you knows that you didn’t. And almost before you can

On Triggers, Carried Shame, and the Verdict Your Inner Child is Still Living By Someone uses a certain tone of voice with you. Or they go quiet when you needed them to show up. They dismiss something you said without really hearing it. Or they walk out of the room at the wrong moment. Maybe they say something small that should not matter at all. And something in you just flips. Not a little bothered. Not mildly irritated. Something much older than that, or I should say much y

On the moments when something in you goes young, scared, and small I often think back to the moment I realized, I’m not a kid anymore. I was living out of state at the time, in the thick of parenting while my husband was away more than he was home, military life in the early 2000’s was no joke. It was the kind of life where you hold every single thing together alone and call it fine because you have no other choice. I had gone home for Christmas and all the adults were aro

On Shame, the Five Core Issues, and What Becomes Possible When Healing Begins If you've been following this series, you might already sense what I'm about to share. Perhaps one post resonated deeply. Maybe you saw reflections of yourself in all of them—different moments, different relationships, different stages of your life. You might have been grappling with the discomfort of recognizing your own patterns for the first time. That recognition is not insignificant. In fact, i

On moderation, self-containment, and what you learned about taking up space Somewhere along the way, you learned to turn yourself down. Not all at once. Gradually. A little quieter here. A little smaller there. Less spontaneous. Less expressive. Less of whatever it was that seemed to be too much for the people around you. And now you are very good at managing yourself. At monitoring how much space you take up. At keeping your energy contained, your joy measured, your needs

There is a path. There is a middle ground. You don't have to figure it out alone. On dependency, what it actually means, and the cost of both extremes Needing people is not a character flaw. That might sound obvious. But for a lot of women, somewhere deep in the nervous system, it doesn’t feel obvious, it feels dangerous. Or shameful. Or like evidence of weakness that needs to be hidden or managed or overcome. And so you either work overtime to get your needs met from the p

On reality and whose version of things counted Something happens. You see it, hear it, feel it in your body. And almost instantly, you make sense of it. A story forms. A thought. A feeling follows the thought. And then you respond in some way, big or small. That whole quick sequence is how you experience reality. It is how you know what is true for you in any given moment. But the way you make sense of things today was shaped a long time ago. By what you learned, early on, ab

On boundaries, the fear of abandonment, and the impossible job of managing everyone else’s emotions Somewhere along the way, you learned that keeping everyone around you comfortable was your job. Not just a nice thing to do. Your job. Your responsibility. Something that, if you failed at it, meant something was wrong with you. Or there would be consequences. So, you got very good at reading the room. At sensing a shift in someone’s mood before they said a word. At adjusting y

On self-worth, carried shame, and the voice that has been running the showSelf-worth sounds simple. Most of us think we know what it means Self-worth sounds simple. Most of us think we know what it means. But healthy self-esteem is actually something quite specific. It is the quiet, stable sense that you have value simply because you exist. Not because of what you do, how you perform, how needed you are, or how well you hold everything together. Just because you are here. Tha

What it actually means, why so many women carry it, and why it is not your fault Maybe a therapist mentioned it in passing. Maybe you read something online and felt a little too seen. Maybe someone you trust said it out loud and you nodded slowly, half understanding, half hoping they were wrong. Codependency. This book changed everything for me. Personally, in my own life and relationships, and in my work. It is one of those words that gets thrown around a lot and explained v

The quiet cost of always being the one who holds it together She knows everyone's schedule. She knows who needs what and when. She knows which kid is struggling and which colleague is overwhelmed and which friend has been quieter than usual lately. She notices. She tracks. She anticipates problems before they arrive and handles them quietly so nobody else has to. She is the one people call. The one people lean on. The one who shows up. And she could not tell you the last time

On senior season, staying busy, and the feeling you keep almost having The yard sign is up. Senior season is officially here. It is wonderful. It is a lot. Both are true. The graduation party is planned. The invitations went out. The cap and gown has been ordered and tried on and photographed. The group chats are buzzing. The calendar is full. You are in it. Senior season. The final stretch. And it is wonderful and exhausting and proud and busy and somewhere undernea

Because your worth was never about being needed in the first place The relatives have gone home. The photos are posted. The congratulations are still trickling in. The grad gifts are in a pile somewhere waiting to be sorted. The party dishes are washed and put away. And you are standing in your kitchen, or sitting in your car, or lying awake, and something is settling over you that is harder to name than pride and harder to dismiss than tiredness. The celebration is over. And