Rediscovering Yourself: The Journey from Easygoing to Authentic
Updated: Oct 14
Understanding the Easygoing Persona
Or did you just learn that your needs were easier to let go of?
There was a time in my life when I took pride in being easygoing. I would boast about my "long fuse" and how rarely I got angry. But, oh boy, when I finally did—watch out! It was not pretty. What I didn't realize back then was that my easygoing nature was really a mask. I was trying hard not to make waves or ruffle feathers. I wanted to avoid being a burden. In doing so, I focused on everyone around me, neglecting to check in with myself. I would adjust my plans or say, "It's fine. Don't worry about it." But then, as I lay in bed at night, I would spin out, feeling frustrated. I would tell myself it was fine, convincing myself I could compromise because it didn't really matter anyway.
What I didn't know then was that all that anger and frustration had to go somewhere. Every "it's fine." Every adjusted plan. Every frustration I swallowed at night and talked myself out of by morning. It was being stuffed down...
And eventually, it would come out.
Not calmly. Not cleanly. I would snap. I would go from completely fine to fuming in an instant, probably feeling completely out of nowhere to everyone around me. Sometimes, I would cry alone, where no one could see. I would stuff it back down as quickly as I could, hoping it would just disappear.
But it didn't go away.
Instead, what slowly and quietly vanished was my relationship with myself.
The Cost of Disappearing
Every time I told myself it didn't matter, I was also telling myself that I didn't matter.
Every time I adjusted, caved, or went along with what everyone else needed, I practiced disappearing. And I became very good at it.
I didn't lose myself all at once. I lost myself one "it's fine" at a time.
What I understand now, that I couldn't see then, is that being easygoing was never really about my personality. It was about safety. Early on, I learned that having needs, opinions, or feelings that inconvenienced or challenged others was dangerous. I got shut down. I got dismissed. Or I got in trouble. I learned that keeping the peace was how I kept myself safe—and everyone around me happy.
So I stopped. I stopped having opinions that might ruffle feathers. I stopped asking for what I needed. I even stopped checking in with myself long enough to know what I felt. I became whoever the moment needed me to be.
And I called it a personality trait.
The Difference Between Easygoing and Disappearing
If any of this sounds familiar, I want you to know something important.
There is nothing wrong with being easygoing. Some of the most grounded, generous, genuinely flexible people I know would describe themselves that way. And that is a gift.
But there is a difference between being easygoing because you genuinely are and being easygoing because you never learned you were allowed to be anything else.
One comes from a place of choice. The other comes from a place of survival.
If you have opinions you never voice, needs you talk yourself out of before anyone else can disappoint you, or feelings you stuff down and smooth over before they inconvenience someone, that is not your personality. That is a pattern. And it has a beginning.
You are allowed to be both easygoing and boundaried. Flexible and honest. Generous and present to yourself.
That is not a contradiction. That is wholeness.
The Path to Wholeness
This series is about finding your way back to that person. She is still there. She has just been very, very quiet for a long time.
Were you the easygoing one? The one with the long fuse? I know I am not the only one. I would love to hear your story in the comments.
If you are curious about what it looks like to do that work in a real and supported setting, the November retreat has a small number of spots remaining. Early bird pricing is available through October 10th, and registration closes October 16th. I would love for you to be there.
--A
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